Like any man being thrown into the unknown world of madness that is parenthood, I received tons of advice from others:
- “Always hold baby’s head.”
- “Make sure you stay the husband you were before the baby came.”
- “Keep the baby so warm that he is constantly sweating.”
- “No sex for at least 6 weeks.”
The advice was well meaning and mostly great – not the sex advice, that wasn’t good advice at all ;) – but there was something that every new parent neglected to tell me about, and, to this day, I hold a grudge against every single one of them. Nobody warned me about the first baby poo: the evil Black Tar Poo.
My wife, Jenny, had a c-section after 18 horrible hours of labor – apparently my son’s head was as big as a 25 year old’s, and we finally got to a point where we decided that it needed to be over as soon as possible!
Due to the c-section I was in charge of the first few days of diaper changing. We gave Jack his first feeding and I learned on the fly how to swaddle. We put him down, kicked everyone out of the room and passed out. An hour later, I heard Jack cry so I jump up and begin to unswaddle.
This is the moment I’ve been preparing for… changing a diaper. It’s so dadly, every dad has to do it, lots. But it’s weird too, hard to prepare for. But I was prepared… I’m a strong and capable man, I got this.
So I ripped the diaper off… and lost every ounce of my confidence. This wasn’t poo. Wheres the poo!? This looked nothing like poop AT ALL. It was this nasty, gross, burnt rubber in the diaper. My boy was burnin’ rubber!
I had no idea what the hell to do with it. It was EVERYWHERE. Not only was it crazy difficult to get off, it was stuck to his balls! HIS BALLS! There was black tar on his beans. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anyone scrubbing my beans, ever. I couldn’t do it to him. I wimped out and called the nurse and had her do the dirty work for me.
Over the next couple of days, the black tar poops(technically called meconium) turned more and more into what normal dung looks like and I felt a lot better about taking on the diaper duties.
So for all of you new dads, especially those with sons, prepare yourself for a very sticky situation. The shit is about to get serious.
This post was written by Nick Maestas, professional man-dad-husband-guy and minister of west-coast sales for Fuzzy Robot, a small company with a big dream to make your kids cuter and warmer!