"I Don’t Get To Be A Selfish Guy Anymore"

April 5, 2011 in Fatherhood Insights  

"I Don’t Get To Be A Selfish Guy Anymore"

Ok, so, this was from several months ago, and daddy was a little hung over. It had been a bit of a tired couple of days, but it all brought me to the realization that my life simply doesn’t get to be about me… like it used to.

I used to be able to do anything I wanted, when I wanted. And now, with the kid, that’s changed. And I’m not actually complaining here, it’s just how it is. In fact, it’s actually kinda nice, beautiful even.

It took me 1.5 years of fatherhood to realize this… which seems weird. But the wires connected and I finally understood it. Watch to learn more:

Please Comment & Add Your Voice!

Donald Borsch Jr April 5, 2011 at 8:30 am

Hmm.

Well, okay then.

You will fail as a father until you realize your son is not the center of your life. It sounds heroic and all that, to believe that your life should revolve around him, but ultimately he will tell you one day that he hates you and wishes he was never born to you, because you failed to be his father and not his slave.

Priorities, sir. Priorities.

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Chase April 5, 2011 at 9:17 am

Oh, indeed, Donald. I should clarify: This isn’t me making Aiden the center of my world and sacrificing everything I love for his sake – It’s just me realizing I don’t get to do everything I want anymore… ‘cause it isn’t all about me anymore. Does that make sense? I don’t like how that sounds…

It literally took me a year and a half to get to this point, the point where I realize I’m burning every bridge I have with my wife (and myself) if I keep on doing things the way I have been. What’s the way I have been doing things? Shirking out of the responsibility of dad – taking off with the guys every chance I got, working long hours, getting petulant when I had to entertain a 1.2 year old instead of relaxing on a sunday afternoon.

It’s like my external responsibilities had grown but I wasn’t recognizing those requirements internally; internally I was still howling-at-the-moon-young-guy whining a good deal about not being able to hang out ‘cause I was on kid-duty.

So, all that to say, yes, you’re absolutely right, Donald. It’s important to me that my kid sees me doing things I love, learning things I’m passionate about, etc. That’s stuff I don’t think I ever saw in an older guy when I was young, and it would have taught me loads.

Does that make sense? Have I convinced you I “get” it? :)

Donald Borsch Jr April 5, 2011 at 10:01 am

Chase,

First, allow me to say thank you for not taking my words as confrontational or belittling. It would have been way too easy for you to respond defensively, and you didn’t. Nicely done.

I do appreciate your clarification on this issue. Your response made things easier to see.

My concern was simply that I have seen the too-common theme of “men” who are fathers who want to devote their every waking second to their children and be their children’s friend and NOT their father, as he should be. My daughters, both under the age of two at present, do not need me to be their buddy, pal, or friend. They will have plenty of those as they grow. They need me to be their father, for there will only be me, this side of Heaven, who can fulfill this earthly role. Yes, Chase, I am a covenant son of God, and I view fatherhood through the eyes of a son.

I have seen too many times where a marriage covenant between husbands/wives, falls apart because the two of them insert their child/children in between them as covenant spouses. The kiss of death: “We’re doing this for the kids”, when said in reference to something like not getting a divorce because the marriage covenant was supplanted and usurped by their weaknesses in failing to be covenant partners FIRST.

Sorry. I do believe I am now rambling.

Anyhoos, thank you for clarifying. And thank you for your courtesy and maturity in not responding like some wounded victim. That speaks volumes to me.

Donald Borsch Jr.
Bethel, CT
The Fatherhood of God {dot} org
Project: Mathetes {dot} wordpress {dot} com

No, I am not computer literate. Does it show?

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Adam April 5, 2011 at 11:06 am

Ha ha. I have a two year old and have had this realization too. Moments to yourself are few and far between. Glad I am not a single father that is for sure!

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Tara Kendall April 5, 2011 at 11:36 am

Welcome to parenthood my friend! It’s not easy, it’s not always fun, it’s not always what WE want to be doing. But we have an obligation to our children to teach them manners, rules, rewards and punishments, etc. How to behave in public, how NOT to behave in public, how to treat others, etc. It’s exhausting and, again, not what WE would want to be doing with our time. But if WE don’t teach them, who will? Their friends…their friends parents…’da streets? I think not. I’ll do the best I can and chalk every day I don’t kill him (intentionally or not) and every day he doesn’t kill himself, as a successful day as a parent.

Cheers!
Tara

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Donald Borsch Jr April 5, 2011 at 1:27 pm

>>I’ll do the best I can and chalk every day I don’t kill him (intentionally or not) and every day he doesn’t kill himself, as a successful day as a parent.
——————–
Tara,

LOL! You sound like my mother when she was raising me! Classic!

Chase April 7, 2011 at 8:44 am

:)

Metroknow April 6, 2011 at 8:54 am

I think this won’t be your last “a-ha” moment along these lines. As they get older you start to refine this idea that your life has fundamentally changed, much in the way that Donald is talking about. I think it’s important for kids to see their parents modeling a passion for life and doing the things you enjoy was an adult, balanced with the responsibilities as a leader and guide for them. IMHO, imbalance either way will not lead to a healthy adult – either your child or you. Great internal work Chase – you are inspiring me to check myself before I…well, you know. :)

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