Tummy Time Tip: Bare Belly It!

May 10, 2011 in First Year Fatherhood  

Tummy Time Tip: Bare Belly It!

Dads with infants, it’s likely you already know about tummy time. However, you may not know this awesome tip that’s sure to make your baby love you more than mom (regardless of breast size).

What’s tummy time? Tummy time is when you allow your infant spend time on their stomach, whether it’s on the floor, in the crib, on mom or dad’s belly, or anywhere else.

Tummy time is great for your baby because it helps them develop neck muscles and get’s them in a position where they can start turning their heads towards things, like, for example, you (instead of mom). It also helps baby’s head round out in the back (critical for smartness and wealth later on in life).

What you may not know about tummy time, however is that it’s the best for bonding. And here’s one little tip you have to employ: you’ve got to do tummy time bare-chested.

Below are two “science” reasons for this.

The “Clean Slate” Reason (Scientology)

Remember when you met your baby for the first time and he/she was covered in meconium and looked like a floppy yoda? But then remember when they cleaned him/her up and it started to look super cute? And then remember when you took him/her home and it’s skin was so soft and smooth and you just wanted to put it all in your mouth and cuddle so hard?

Well, infants’ skin is so soft because of the baby’s innocence; they’ve never done anything intentionally sh!tty (also no bad aliens have had time to breathe on baby yet). Babies’ skin is the opposite of your skin because you’re grown up and full of mistakes and regret and sins (and bad alien breath. Shame on you) and so your skin is calloused and dirty and unattractive.

But, you can still be saved and look attractive again! The only way to clean your callous, dirty skin (and heart) is to rub an infant’s skin all over your chest. The innocence passes through invisible spiritual skin holes (called Xeeeonobphrites-A) and infiltrates your blood-spirit, which begins to change your life from the inside out! All hail Xenu, higher than high he/she/it/they is/are so chic!

The Other Reason

Think about it: your baby was inside of mom for a while, sharing blood, piss, caca, and pizza. You started this whole thing with your sperms, but, since then, you’ve been at a serious disadvantage, stuck on the outside looking in, like a jerk, like a guy with a sh!tty mustache. They had pizza already, PIZZA! Baby can’t even have solid foods and mom’s already shared PIZZA with it!?

Catch my drift? This is serious.

You have to work your butt off now – it’s time to bond with your baby, it’s time to take back what’s yours, it’s time to return to the inner fortress of your awesome and mount a full-scale attack on your child. Bring your headband.

How are you going to do this? By spending some serious time belly on belly, bare skin on bare skin.

It’s so simple! And I know it works ‘cause a mystical old Indian told me about it. Just take off baby’s jumper, leaving the diaper firmly installed (always, always maintain a firmly installed diaper). Then remove your shirt and place baby’s belly against yours (it helps if you lie down, on your back). That’s it! You’re bonding!

Another Reason Why This Is So Great

Bare-chested tummy time is so great because mom is exceedingly limited as to when she can do it. Why? Titties! We can totally do this out in public on a warm day; there is no problem with you or baby being seen shirtless (even in malls, even if you have big ol’ schmeeblies). Mommy, however, needs special hooter-hiders even to do things like feed the baby, so she’s missing out on all this post-birth skin-on-skin bonding! + 1 Dads.

Don’t believe me? Just ask my wife about it. Our 2 year old likes me a hell-of-a-lot more than he likes her. Why? Bare belly tummy time. It’s science.

So, get out there and get bare-chested with your infant. It’s one of the best things in the world, honest.

Please Comment & Add Your Voice!

Chris Neiger May 10, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Lol! This is awesome. I’ve been a dad for all of 10 weeks now, so tummy time is still new to me, and I haven’t tried this yet. Will definitely give it a go now. Especially if it helps my take away the bad aliens.

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chasereeves May 10, 2011 at 3:32 pm

yes! You just got your life changed, Chris. Make it count!

Chris Neiger May 10, 2011 at 4:04 pm

I definitely am; I’ll be back here for sure for more tips!

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